"I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV"

Make-believe doctor Bill Gates is no longer a make-believe doctor. The self-anointed coronavirus expert, Gates is now Dr. Bill Gates, PhD Epidemiology! Though Gates has no formal training and dropped out of college, journalists have always salivated over his fortune telling. Bill Gates is an expert on computer viruses and how to build an operating system that will be easily infected by viruses. And while computer viruses are not the same as the viruses that infect people, let's not get nit-picky about minutiae. They're close enough!

By awarding Gates with a medical degree, this will once and for all, end criticism from conservative commentators who make unfounded claims that Gates is not qualified. Through mainstream media interviews, Dr. Gates will continue to predict the virulence of the virus and dictate what is the proper public policy regarding lockdowns, masks, vaccines, vaccine distribution, etc. Stay tuned for Gates' instructions on when it will be safe to reopen the economy.